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"WE GOT JOKES"
(Click here for more jokes)
The guys were all at a deer camp and had to bunk two to a
room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so
badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They
said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched
him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They
said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof with his snoring. I
watched him all night .'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl
into bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night.
Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'
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Carl was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was really angry.
She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Carl got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Carl has been missing since Friday. Please pray for Carl. |
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Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr
old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliever the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3- yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER ," SHE SAID.
"I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... " WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...
I'M GETTING A FAX " !!
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I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I
am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!! |
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it w as already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." |
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!"
Oh my!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause........Longer Pause..............Even Longer Pause Then Daddy says, Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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| Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, darn near froze to death! The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?" The first flea says, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Darn near froze to death. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley." |
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Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around
the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back
into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping
the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in
heck that could happen!"
"No, it's true," said the first man , "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets
toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips
him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the
elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the
elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker
to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it
works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges
downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits
the sidewalk with a loud "splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time
turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." |
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked
over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean
one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!" |
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A Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
throug h the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man at a small stand selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The
Jewish man replied, "I have no water. But would you like to buy a tie? Normally
$65 they are on special this hour for $5."The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not
need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first.""OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."Muttering,
the Taliban staggered away over the hill.Several hours later he staggered
back. "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie." |
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