"WE GOT JOKES"

Gynecologist Visit A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.'

The Polite way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...

"Four Friends " Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

"Contracts" Benny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office ..... but she belonged to someone else... One day Benny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said, " NO." Benny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened ...... She said, "The bastard used quarters!! Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

"The Inheritance " When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that > evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men.

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth" "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? O h, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.* "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Fourth- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"*

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.
"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up th e midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and
shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf. Can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.

"Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit?"

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy Asked if there was anything wrong.

Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I Am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she Replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like That. Please put your P rivate Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it
is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I
don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now.'

'Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed. '

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young Woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle Chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Paddy had been drinking at his local Kilkinney pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says, "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy.

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

"Damn!," he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face.

"Be' Jesus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No feckin' way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jessie. I was totally shitfaced. But how'd you know, luv?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

"Six Black Hens"

Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?"
The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! Why do you want sixblack hens? Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"

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